It has been one year since I
heard the words “I am very sorry. You have Stage Four Colon Cancer. You are terminal.” This article is not about the ups and downs
of my physical trial but rather I will attempt to explain, narrate, define or
somehow reach into my memory to talk about the mental and emotional rollercoaster
I have been on this past year.
I will start by saying that prior
to going into the patient’s room along with my brother John I had to attend the
washroom to vomit because I was so stressed out about what I would find
out. We already knew that I had cancer
but we did not know the extent of it and my Scandinavian foresight was already
preparing me for the worst. So be it,
that is what I was hit with. Once the
words were out I cannot describe my feeling as other than a sense of
numbness. There was also a sort of void
of feeling. And then slowly that little
grey shadow settled on my psyche and that, I believe, I will never really go
away. It sits with me though it’s not
obvious nor do I dwell on it. But it
does make me conscious of decisions that I make, altering some plans for the “future”
but at the same time I also try to defy those leanings and make longer ranging
plans so that I don’t set myself up for an earlier demise than I need to
have. It’s hard to explain or illustrate
precisely how that works but it’s a little trigger that I work with.
In the patient’s office we talked
somewhat briefly with Dr. Monson about a go forward plan for treatment. When John and I got back in the truck I looked
at him and asked “well, what do you think”?
And he answered “that was hard hearing”.
Both of us being phlegmatic Danes
with little more to add on the long drive home.
I landed in the hospital 3 times
over the next 7 months, the first two times the doctors almost gave up on me;
indeed the second time the doctor said I wouldn’t live out the week. But as you see, I have survived.
So here’s what I would like to contribute to the conversation on living
with cancer.
As so many friends who have also
survived told me “staying positive” is the number one mantra for patients. Surrounding yourself with positive people is
equally important. I am extraordinarily
blessed with a strong, loving family and a very wide circle of friends (not
just acquaintances, but true friends) who have been 100% positive and “there
for me” in a way that is truly mind boggling.
I cannot understand how I have been so blessed but I extremely grateful
for all of these magnificent friends.
For the next couple of weeks I
went into a decline due to an undetected infection which landed me in the
hospital the day before my 64th birthday. As mentioned, they weren’t sure I would
survive the night but due to a truly wonderful emergency surgeon I was saved
and next day I was the life and soul of my hospital room where family and
friends came in all day long with flowers, balloons and good cheer. I was a totally different ALIVE person from the shrinking, pain
filled woman I had become over the last 4 weeks. I can never be sufficiently grateful to that
surgeon and wish I knew his name. He
saved my life along with my brother and sister (John and Jeanette insisted I
had to go to the hospital on June 3rd as they felt I was getting
critically ill. They were so right).
Since my diagnosis I have
reflected a great deal on many grim subjects but always with a view to being
positive and proactive in my wellbeing. One thing that I feel bears mentioning is
this – never in all of this time have a felt resentment, bitterness or a “why
me” attitude. While I have and do
wonder how it is that I got cancer when I have been such a cleaning living
person i have not felt angry or upset. I
do, jokingly, comment that I feel “ripped off” when I look at my genealogy
chart and see my ancestors, despite living hard lives, living into their late
80’s and 90’s. And here I had been
planning on living past 100 and now I am being knocked about by this
illness. “Them’s the breaks Sister and
you have to roll with it.”
So here’s the deal
·
Be positive
·
Be optimistic
·
Love everyone
·
Forgive and forget
·
Bless the day
·
Laugh, laugh, laugh
·
Hug everyone around you, even that bear of a
brother
·
Reflect on the good things in your life, past,
present and future
·
Yes there is a future but focus in the present
·
Look for spiritual guidance whether it be religious,
holistic, meditative
·
Find your ‘centre”
·
Live each day with gratitude and love
·
Give of yourself as much as you can
My cup runneth over.
