Anniversary of a Dread Diagnosis

It has been one year since I heard the words “I am very sorry.  You have Stage Four Colon Cancer.  You are terminal.”  This article is not about the ups and downs of my physical trial but rather I will attempt to explain, narrate, define or somehow reach into my memory to talk about the mental and emotional rollercoaster I have been on this past year.

I will start by saying that prior to going into the patient’s room along with my brother John I had to attend the washroom to vomit because I was so stressed out about what I would find out.  We already knew that I had cancer but we did not know the extent of it and my Scandinavian foresight was already preparing me for the worst.  So be it, that is what I was hit with.  Once the words were out I cannot describe my feeling as other than a sense of numbness.  There was also a sort of void of feeling.  And then slowly that little grey shadow settled on my psyche and that, I believe, I will never really go away.  It sits with me though it’s not obvious nor do I dwell on it.  But it does make me conscious of decisions that I make, altering some plans for the “future” but at the same time I also try to defy those leanings and make longer ranging plans so that I don’t set myself up for an earlier demise than I need to have.  It’s hard to explain or illustrate precisely how that works but it’s a little trigger that I work with.

In the patient’s office we talked somewhat briefly with Dr. Monson about a go forward plan for treatment.  When John and I got back in the truck I looked at him and asked “well, what do you think”?  And he answered “that was hard hearing”.  Both of us being phlegmatic Danes with little more to add on the long drive home.

I landed in the hospital 3 times over the next 7 months, the first two times the doctors almost gave up on me; indeed the second time the doctor said I wouldn’t live out the week.  But as you see, I have survived.

So here’s what I would like to contribute to the conversation on living with cancer.

As so many friends who have also survived told me “staying positive” is the number one mantra for patients.  Surrounding yourself with positive people is equally important.  I am extraordinarily blessed with a strong, loving family and a very wide circle of friends (not just acquaintances, but true friends) who have been 100% positive and “there for me” in a way that is truly mind boggling.  I cannot understand how I have been so blessed but I extremely grateful for all of these magnificent friends.

For the next couple of weeks I went into a decline due to an undetected infection which landed me in the hospital the day before my 64^th birthday.  As mentioned, they weren’t sure I would survive the night but due to a truly wonderful emergency surgeon I was saved and next day I was the life and soul of my hospital room where family and friends came in all day long with flowers, balloons and good cheer.  I was a totally different ALIVE person from the shrinking, pain filled woman I had become over the last 4 weeks.  I can never be sufficiently grateful to that surgeon and wish I knew his name.  He saved my life along with my brother and sister (John and Jeanette insisted I had to go to the hospital on June 3^rd as they felt I was getting critically ill.  They were so right).

Since my diagnosis I have reflected a great deal on many grim subjects but always with a view to being positive and proactive in my wellbeing.  One thing that I feel bears mentioning is this – never in all of this time have a felt resentment, bitterness or a “why me” attitude.  While I have and do wonder how it is that I got cancer when I have been such a cleaning living person i have not felt angry or upset.  I do, jokingly, comment that I feel “ripped off” when I look at my genealogy chart and see my ancestors, despite living hard lives, living into their late 80’s and 90’s.  And here I had been planning on living past 100 and now I am being knocked about by this illness.  “Them’s the breaks Sister and you have to roll with it.”

So here’s the deal

·         Be positive

·         Be optimistic

·         Love everyone

·         Forgive and forget

·         Bless the day

·         Laugh, laugh, laugh

·         Hug everyone around you, even that bear of a brother

·         Reflect on the good things in your life, past, present and future

·         Yes there is a future but focus in the present

·         Look for spiritual guidance whether it be religious, holistic, meditative

·         Find your ‘centre”

·         Live each day with gratitude and love

·         Give of yourself as much as you can

My cup runneth over.