Climbing out of the Abyss

It’s been nearly two weeks since I was capable of writing a blog. I was in a state of mental chaos and not a little depression caused by a lot of pain, grey skies, horrific non-stop winds and a provincial election that had me either pulling out my hair or ranting. Yesterday I went to see my oncologist and despite not feeling terribly encouraged I actually felt better. Go figure. 
I do not think that I have ever been “down” for two whole weeks and before John and I took off for my appointment in Calgary yesterday I had a little chat with him and Mom explaining that a night or two ago I had actually thought about giving up, I was that discouraged by the pain and lack of quality of life. But just saying the words out loud seemed to crystalize a rebellion in me that “no, this is not who I am”. I don’t know if that is what it was but certainly I started feeling better about myself.
So I have been trying to analyze myself and my bounce back which can be very difficult indeed. I wondered “am I a people pleaser after all”? Have I bounced back because I don’t want to let my family and friends down? But no, that would take too much energy and Pollyanna though I may be I am not a bloody saint!
I think the truth is that I like the idea of being a survivor. It has always been my goal that if Armageddon happened I would be a survivor which is why I have always been intrigued by dramas like “Jericho” or “The Stand”. I remember one of my sisters asking me “why would you think you would be a survivor” and I responded “what’s the point, otherwise?”
I don’t like the idea of being a quitter and so I am back in the saddle without any plans of riding into the sunset just yet. Instead I plan on riding into a summer filled with gardening projects and a lot of girlfriend lunches!