Anxiety

Oh dear oh dear! Another odd title but this one will make you laugh. I spent most of yesterday wracking my brain trying to come up with a topic to blog about. The result was a non-starter and so January already has a hole in its record. I will give up on trying to blog every day unless I have something meaningful to write about. Some days the creative juices just ain’t there!

Today I thought perhaps I could talk a bit about boredom because I think a great many people suffer from it and I find myself at a loss in understanding it. I don’t think I have ever been bored in my life! Even though I may not do a whole lot on a given day I find my brain is always active and I can always find something to occupy my brain if not my body. If I am not actually doing one of my hobbies I am thinking about them; such as trying to create in my mind a new style of cards, a painting or drawing, a blog or a journal entry. There are always books to look at, there is my Open Yale courses to listen to, and there are tons of documentaries and news journals to watch on TV. There is my blessed mother to talk to you, reminisce with and sometimes even argue with (friendly arguments, just so you don’t think I am a bully of elderly folks!). There is always something on my mind (is that a song?) J

If a person is bored even before they retire I shudder to think what their life will be like in retirement. So a word of caution – start finding something that you can be passionate about, and if you can find more than one thing even better! Don’t get scattered and distracted by too many things but find those you love the most and go for it! Don’t spend your time in the mall shopping with dollars you don’t have!

And that’s all I have to say about that (for now). J

Watching the Sun Go Down

After yesterday’s blog I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea – literally I am watching the sun go down as I await the arrival of Peter and Ronda for movie night. I have a spectacular view from my office where I can see through my treeline to the distance foothills and when the sun is sharp and the snow is on the mountains I can also see those mountains. When the sun gets behind the clouds it looks as though the clouds are ringed in fire (as they were last night) but tonight things look more yellow and glowing, almost like a halo.  It’s pretty and it’s soothing.

Yesterday I had a very good visit with my doctor in High River; first of all he said my blood work was excellent and when I asked about the neutrophils he said they were great (3.0 . . . last time they were 1.5 . . . and that was after they had dipped to 1.2 …. Neutrophils are the white blood cells – those dynamic little fighter cells). Then he did a thorough examination of my back pain because I have been having such pains for the last couple of months – turns out it is my muscles / spine and not at all part of the tumour. That was such a relief I almost felt the pain had gone away! I have to do some soaking in the tub and perhaps get a heating pad to ease the muscles back into loosening up and then I can exercise much more “robustly”.

It is amazing what a little good news does for the spirit. I laughing said to Dr. Vise that perhaps it was all psychosomatic because I was so fearful it was the tumour. He smiled. (Nothing like the patient deprecatingly self-diagnosing).

I almost skipped out of the hospital and got in John’s truck saying “good news”. That’s what he likes to hear.

Grief

I don’t mean to make this a painful subject but it is a subject that is rarely spoken about until there is a death or tragedy of some kind. Isn’t it better to talk about it in advance and give people some preparation for the process of grieving? 

My father was an over protective helicopter dad before that term had even been invented. When my grandmother (his mother) died while we were in Denmark visiting her he called his sister and ordered her to get us sent home before the funeral. Jeanette and I were very upset but being obedient daughters we went home as commanded and I believe both of us have sadness about not being able to say goodbye to Farmor. Dad instinctively just wanted to protect us, not understanding that it would have been better to create a ‘teachable moment’ as we call it today. We never experienced death close up until Dad’s passing (which was completely unexpected and a staggering blow to us all) and then a year later we lost our darling little niece in a tragic car accident. Stoic Danes that we are we soldiered on but it really was painful, unsettling and very difficult for us to navigate our emotions.

I am at the age where people start to “drop off” and it seems lame to continually say “I am sorry for your loss” or “my sympathies”. However it is not supposed to be about me or my awkwardness because the person suffering the loss of a loved one is most likely deaf to the actual words and simply accepts the associated comfort one is extending. At least that is my hope.

There are different levels of grief and different stages – not for me to discuss as they are on different sites if you care to examine them. But what I think is important is that people should discuss – in advance – the grieving process with their loved ones. I know I rather shocked my family when I lay in the hospital bed and they were all around me and I told them “you should prepare yourself for me dying sooner rather than later”. I saw Peter’s face and the blow that gave him but since then I believe he has come to terms with knowing that my time on earth is limited in a measured way. What I mean by that is that while we all know we have to go some time, some of us are given a heads up a lot sooner than we ever wanted to know.

As Mr. Monk says “it’s a blessing and a curse”. Like Evita I have told my family “don’t cry for me”. And every day I am still here, and not suffering, I am grateful and blessed by my family and friends. Living every day in Gratitude is so worth it.

What's What and Who's Who

Now isn’t that an interesting title? I hope the content will be interesting also!

I thought I would mention some books that I have heard reviewed on my favorite programs:

·         Austerity: The History of a Dangerous Idea by Mark Blyth

·         Winners Take All: The Elite Charade of Saving the World by Anand Giridharadas

·         Searching for the Stars on an Island in Maine by Alan Lightman 
The first book is about the concept of reducing spending when there is an economic downturn which is the immediate impulse of governments and which has proven time and again to be a false step. It is a belief that I have long held and I was very pleased to hear this author speak with authority on this subject (he’s an economist).

The second book was also fascinating (in listening to the author’s discussion) wherein he suggests that for those magnanimous CEO’s of huge companies such as Google, Amazon, etc. to announce they are giving away a billion dollars to invest in inner city schools (or whatever pet project they have chosen) is not serving the cause at all. Indeed he suggests (rightly in my opinion) that the fact that they have never paid their fair share of taxes in the first place they have actually caused the problem in the first place.

As I have suggested for years we look at problems upside down and we ask the wrong type of questions. This is me talking and not the authors above. For example, a question that drives me crazy is “who is going to pay for it” because the answer is obvious and the question is loaded. Anderson Cooper kept asking the question of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on “60 Minutes” the other night. A more intelligent and cogent question would be “who are THE taxpayers who are going to pay for it”.

The third book is a curious mix of physics and spirituality and the author was a very interesting speaker. I saw him on “Story in the Public Square” which is a PBS series running on Sunday mornings. In some respects I think the book has ideas also explored in Deepak Chopra’s “How to Know God”. I was amazed to hear him posit an idea that my father suggest to us some 50 years ago (I have always said my Dad was the smartest person I ever knew)! The idea? That our “personal” atoms exist after we die and go out into the universe and perhaps some day, some way, they end up in another being (not all of them, one or two, maybe more). He also reaffirmed my position that as limited human beings we have difficulty completely embracing the concept of infinity.

I am hoping to read some of these books, indeed all of them, by the end of the year but for now . . . let me enjoy The Long Valley and the ordinary mishaps of mice and men.

The Long Valley

I chose for my first book of the year to be John Steinbeck’s “The Long Valley”. It’s perfect as it is an anthology of short stories, just what the old attention span needs to kick start itself! Yesterday I read “The Murder” which was near the end of the book. I immediately got into the rhythm of Steinbeck’s writing. Today I read the first two stories in the book and again felt so comfortable with Steinbeck’s style. I love his way of empathizing with “marginal characters” which I think he is a genius at identifying and portraying in all his works.

Steinbeck’s books are highly readable and border somewhat on “comfort food” and yet are what I could term a level or two above those “comfort books” which I usually pull out for soothing. A murder or romance novel somehow is just not at the same calibre as reading about a vulnerable character whose heart is broken by seeing her chrysanthemums thrown out on the road.

Steinbeck was Dad’s favorite author and while not my favorite he is definitely in my top ten. I find his books diverse in nature although his characters, as noted above, are ordinary, vulnerable people. Dad did not introduce me to Steinbeck since we had to read “The Pearl” in grade 10 which I found incredibly boring. When Dad suggested that I read “Tortilla Flat” I said that I couldn’t because The Pearl turned me off him. Dad then took up the book and began reading and of course I started laughing and said okay, okay.

Despite having read more than half of his books I still confess that I cannot get through “The Grapes of Wrath”. I think I managed to get one third of the way through but found it so utterly depressing I simply didn’t want to torture myself any longer. John keeps telling me I should finish because there is so much to discuss in relation to the world we live in today. Maybe I will, if I ever get to that frame of mind.

“In every bit of honest writing in the world there is a base theme. Try to understand men, if you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and nearly always leads to love. There are shorter means, many of them. There is writing promoting social change, writing punishing injustice, writing in celebration of heroism, but always that base theme. Try to understand each other.”

— John Steinbeck in his 1938 journal entry

Personal Rights

How did I stand up for other rights such as Pro Choice and human rights? I first talked the talked and then I went with the political party that stood for the things I believed in strongly.

Choosing a political party is a huge responsibility and decision. It may seem that I simply followed what my parents voted but that is not at all the case. While my dad certainly advocated for socialism he never pressured me into voting that way. He explained the different platforms and I listened. I felt that the NDP had the values that I believed in. Later when I was able to get confirmation of those platforms through written material it only confirmed what I already knew. This was the party that had my back.

Not only did it have MY back, but it had the back of others and that was important to me. I am one of those rare people who not only care about “what is good for me” but what is good for society and others as a whole group. I find that most people only look at what is good for them and until such time as they need the social safety net they really don’t care about it. I find it rather staggering considering that the majority of Canadians identify with a Christian church (whether they attend it or not) and the Golden Rule says ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ which seems to me to impart a social safety kind of mantra.

I also took my responsibility to the level of actually running in the 1993 Federal election and worked very hard on my campaign, writing new speeches for every appearance, travelling around the biggest riding in Canada on my own and using my personal funds (which was very little at that time actually). I put everything I had into that campaign and it was a proud moment when my parents told me after one speech that the folks behind them said “she is the best one up there, she knows what she is talking about and it’s just too bad she is running in the wrong party”. Sadly he missed the point that if all I was saying resonated with him he should be looking into that party! And yet it was great to know that my speeches had an impact. I was running as a socialist in the biggest riding with a record of being the most conservative population in the country.

If that isn’t advocating for what I believe in I don’t know what is. As my aunt would say “I had bone in my nose”.

Ass Kicking Continued

I didn’t start out as a young woman being a feminist; in some ways I was concerned about being perceived as a bra burning nutbar. I didn’t realize that I had been a feminist from youth since I believed in myself 100% thanks to dad. 

And I believe that when a person believes in one’s self that you are empowered against bullying and denigration. I have only once been cowed into working in a job for a whole year because I was petrified of not finding another job. It was in the mid 90’s when Paul Martin said that anyone quitting their job would not receive unemployment insurance. So I stayed until I finally could not stand it any longer; I quit and shivered all the way home but at the same time vowing that never again “even if I have to starve in a ditch” would I let anyone bully or intimidate me a gain. And I have stuck by that mantra ever since. Sorry for the potty-mouth here but I do not give a flying fuck what anyone else wants of me; I will do my job at the top of my ability but don’t you mess around with me or you will get the horns. I will stand my ground on any matter that affects my job; I haven’t been around in the area of office administration for 20 years (at that time, when I decided to hold my own) without knowing absolutely everything there is to know about an office. Did I learn new things along the way, of course, that is part of keeping up with professionalism, but the basic abilities of an office administrator (secretary, clerk, what have you) were built into me in my third and in many ways my best job. Not only did I learn how to answer a telephone in a much more professional way than prior; I learned how to strengthen my secretarial abilities (and this was from my dad not my boss); I also learned absolutely everything about book keeping right up to bank reconciliation and preparing the T4’s in payroll. The only thing I didn’t learn at this time was costing but that came later. I had (have) 100% confidence that any job in an office setting is not beyond my capability.

Ass kicking is standing up for yourself even if it means defying a boss because you know you are in the right. And amazingly I never got fired for my stance.

Tomorrow I will talk about things outside of work.

Personal Ass Kicking

I ended yesterday’s blog with talking about “our generation” but today I thought I would give myself some credit on what I did in support of all those young women out there.

First of all it is important to me to give credit to my parents, in particular to my father, who raised me up to believe 100% in my value as a human being, not as a woman. He always said I could be anything I wanted to be and he never put me in a box that said “doing women’s work”. He believed in me to become a professional in any category that I wished to go into doctor, lawyer, engineer. My mother led by example with a work ethic by ensuring that I had chores, dish duty, baby sitting and so on. She didn’t expect me to do anything that she couldn’t do herself; she was the one who repaired the closet doors, cut the grass, dug in the trees and ran the household, including the financial end of things. She painted both the inside and outside of the house and after a couple of memorable attempts at wallpapering with Dad decided it was easier to use one of the kids as her helper! Talking with her girlfriends and sisters they all agreed “never wallpaper with a husband, it is a disaster in arguments”.

I took 3 years of working before I decided to go to university. In those years I learned to stand up for myself in a quiet sort of way. When I was unhappy in one of my jobs I quietly looked for another job and politely gave 2 weeks’ notice which seemed the correct thing to do. But the cows who I worked with (7 of them) decided to dump all the crap work on me for those 2 weeks; I called on the first Friday and told the lead woman “I am not coming in again”.  She said “but you gave 2 weeks’ notice” and I said “I am sorry but I am not going to be misused”.  She replied “you are a very unusual girl”. I said “good bye”.

When I left my job at Boss Industries I tried to avoid telling my boss the truth because I felt it was important for him to know that I was leaving because I was not being given a salary commensurate with the volume of work I was doing. He offered me a huge raise but I said “but it’s too late now, we will have bad feelings”. He was a lovely man and said “Susanne, there is something more going on here.” So I told him that I had decided to go to university because I felt I could do better in the long run with more education. So we ended on a friendly and happy note.

When did I start getting tough, you wonder? When I was 27 and left another lovely boss to work for a senior lawyer (in the same firm) because I would get almost $300 more a month by making the jump. He said “you are dumping me like a sack of potatoes” and I said “Jamie, I like you but it’s all about the money. I don’t work for the fun of it!” He was shocked that I would say something like that to anyone but for heaven’s sake, isn’t that why we go to work? The money?

From that time onwards I was very hardnosed when it came to my job. I worked hard but I almost always left after 2 years to get more money across the street. I learned quickly that the best raise was the one you got when you hired on at a new job. Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. I am proud to say that in three areas of endeavor (law, engineering and oil and gas) I have a reputation as “the best” and have been head-hunted countless times. Calgary downtown is a small community and when you gain a reputation as a professional work horse you are Golden. Added to that are qualities of team player, approachability and never saying no to colleagues. I was an excellent mentor to younger folks coming up and I can proudly say that my work patterns are still used in most of the places I have left.

And how many people can say that?

Living Your Best Life

Here we are again, advocating for one’s best life, and at the same time I am saying goodbye to my dear nephew as he wings it back to Switzerland. I realize that it is one thing to advocate for anyone’s “best life” and another thing to let go of a beloved member of the family so he too can live his best life and at this time in his life it is overseas. Because we love our family and friends it is important not to be selfish and cling to them in a possessive sort of way. It isn’t easy but it is only right.

The other day my sister Jeanette was asking me what era would I most like to have lived in and my first answer was “I never think about that” but when she pushed me I rather surprised her by saying that I would like to be a young woman in this time for the simple reason that I believe women of this era are stronger and more decisive than my own generation. I am strong woman now but when I was going out into the work force at 18 and then at 25 I was a very meek and mild person both at work and at home. Today I find young women brave in travelling the world (I went to a safe place at 18, my home country of Denmark where I was surrounded by family all of the time).

Today’s young woman also has the advantage of all the ground breaking work my generation did for them, little though they realize it. We fought for women’s rights, human rights, civil rights, sexual rights even if we weren’t out in the famous marches. How did we do that? We learned to stand up for ourselves in our jobs, at university and on the street.

So while it would be nice to have an easier ride today I suppose in the long run I am really quite proud to be a Baby Boomer and a Feminist. I think our generation kicked some serious ass.

Exercise, Fruit and Reading

Working on my three resolutions (yes I am about to tell all) is a bit of a challenge but that is why I thought they would be the best choice for those New Year’s Resolutions I was not going to tell you about.

The exercise has been the easiest, actually, which is a bit of a surprise for everyone I am sure. Getting fresh fruit is not easy with my living in the country and not able to run to the store every 2 days for fresh fruit. So we are trying canned and frozen fruits to stay on top of the plan.

The hardest thing I am facing (after 2 days) is the reading. Even though I have new glasses I find that I must take off the glasses in order to read which means keeping the book about 4 inches from my nose – not the most comfortable way to read. But even more challenging is finding that I lose interest quickly, my attention span is not what it used to be or else my choices are simply poor (which I find hard to believe after 55 years of earnest reading! It is true that books are generally not what they used to be; many books seem determined to create a trilogy out of a thought that really barely makes it as a novella (harsh but true judgment).

I persevere and also give myself a little slack; after all it’s only been 3 days! So how are you doing with your resolutions and are you allowing yourself to slip and then get back in the saddle? Be kind to yourself.

Finding a New Idol

Last night I watched the first part of the documentary about Queen Elizabeth and I found myself admiring her character. I used to be a royal follower when I was young and had a very good opinion of Queen Elizabeth until the disastrous day when she failed to recognize the People’s Princess. While I understood in some part that the Queen would be more supportive of her son the things one heard about Diana’s treatment at the hands of the royal family was not very good and my respect fell for all of them, including the Queen.

It’s been more than 20 years since Diana’s death so maybe it is time that I let those feelings go.

In listening to the biography I was impressed by her sweet nature as a young person and at the same time her seriousness in becoming the best possible heir to the throne when her father was suddenly thrown onto the throne (pun intended)! I have always understood her absolute determination to not let down the country or her family in abdicating in favour of her son as she enters extreme old age. The shock the family (as well as the country and the world) went through when Edward VIII abdicated was tremendous.

At the age of ten she suddenly had to alter her education and it was interesting to hear how her new mentor gave her 2 key points that she has stuck with through all these years; staying neutral in politics was an absolute must and staying in touch with the people through radio (and later television) for annual messages. She also had the strength of character and enthusiasm to sometimes defy her parents’ protective instincts by going her own way in certain areas, including participating in the war effort by being an ambulance driver (first having to learn to drive at the age of 19) and also in deciding for herself who she would marry. I am certainly not the biggest fan of Prince Phillip but he has proven himself to be a loyal husband and rock for the Queen.

I will enjoy the rest of this documentary series and also enjoy finding a new personality to admire and listen to in the future. (Others who I admire are Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton and Rachel Notley). For some reason the proper word for this following is slipping my mind but I am sure my readers will understand what I mean!

Heralding 2019

New Year’s resolutions have never been a big thing with me although I have on occasion attempted to make them (and keep them). In thinking about them this year I thought that I should continue with the idea of “one new thing” instead of having the attitude that I am a senior citizen therefore I know it all and I shouldn’t have to fix myself any longer.

I do think that it is important to stay current with events, attitudes and fads although it can sometimes be difficult if you don’t have children close by. Schools are a great way of understanding what is happening in the world because kids know everything. I had a lesson yesterday on Pokémon values (a few months ago I had a lesson in playing the game but came away from it more baffled than ever).  All I really know is that all the cards have certain values and some can murder everyone. I think LG is supposed to be the ultimate cards.

I do crossword puzzles daily and find myself at a loss in so many actor names because I don’t see a lot of the new shows or movies. I used to know every actor in the TV guide (remember that magazine?) and all the new movies. Lacking a daily newspaper is horrid but now I must somehow figure out how to stay current via internet media (yes, it is daunting and not to say worrisome because I also fear getting my computer hacked again). One wonders if it is better to stay ignorant just to avoid electronic viruses!

I’ll keep my resolves to myself but will check in with readers at the end of January to give an accounting of my success or failure!