Paralyzed

If you have been reading my blog for the two years (yes, it’s been 2 years now!) that I’ve been putting myself out there then you will realize that I hardly ever get into a slump of negativity.  The last few weeks I’ve been questioning my worth by looking through the eyes of someone else and that has certainly not been pleasant.  I’ve come through that with my old perspective of myself – that I am worthwhile in my own eyes.

       When I look back on my thought process, my way of wanting to slap back, then trying to add more value to myself, I shake my head.  Why was I doubting myself?  I don’t want to be a lawyer, I don’t want to be an engineer so why would I try to evaluate myself through that lens?  I’ve lived my life in my own peculiar way and I have been happy.  I challenge myself in ways that no one else would dream of doing and while I may sometimes fall short of my expectations of myself, these are my challenges and what I want to do with and for myself.  I’m independent and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am an Individualist in the fullest sense of the word.  Why did I come crashing down?

       For discretion’s sake I cannot write about the situation that brought me down except to say that a few weeks ago it was brought home to me that I had hit a ceiling.  I was dumbfounded. And then I was angry.  The more I thought about it the angrier I got.  When I finally came out of my red rage I was able to put the brakes on full stop and take a look around me.  When I did that I realized that I was now in a win situation.  Again, discretion is the better part of valour.

Now I look around and I wonder, how many other women in the workplace are under utilized?  I suspect that the vast majority of women are in precisely the same situation as women were when Women’s Liberation was the cause in the 1960’s.  Now our plight is that we are Women and we are Aging.  I’m not yet 60 but I am considered old.  How pathetic is that?  I can feel the anger coming on again so I think it’s time to do a little meditation to get back my morning bliss.