Finale

What have I learned from doing the deep dive into my high school years?  I find myself funny and insecure and yet there is also a touch of confidence as I evolve from a teenager into an adult.  I seem to have been a little bit “boy crazy” in my diary although I was not one to run after anyone.  I certainly had some celebrity crushes (who didn’t when you look at the posters in teen bedrooms in those days) and could be quite dramatic about it. 

I also find myself endearing as I slowly come back from two years of “hibernation” from the social world.  I really had a difficult time moving from Burlington to Winnipeg right at the start of high school (in Grade 9) and then moving to Montreal at the end of the school year to Montreal for 9 months.  Not only did it cause me personal trauma in leaving friends of 6 years but it also set me back scholastically to the point of really struggling with math and science.  To find myself saying “I am becoming very social” and having ambitions to join various clubs (though much was kyboshed by Dad’s helicopter ways) was new to me.  I found myself developing lifelong friendships with Ninette in Montreal, Silvia, Ranee, Yvette and Marjolaine (who does not appear in these entries as she ought to have been).  I also developed a strong correspondence with my cousins Birthe and Axel, letters that I really valued at the time and treasure today in my “archive”.

I revealed a lot about my family, especially my relationship with my dear sister Jeanette and I have to thank her for not being angry at some very personal revelations – they were too funny not to write!  Also my insensitiveness to poor little Charlotte’s mishaps, but she thought they were fun to read and of course it is a “blackmail” treasury for her to pull out those incidents!  My brothers got pretty short shrift but once I became a teen they were not playmates of choice except during the summer when we again chummed around, particularly on our bikes.

A lot of nostalgia but tons of laughs and pleasure in reliving those young days.  I hope my readers were able to see the value and that it helped send them reflecting on their own school days.  In a good way.

Nearing the End

NOTE:  I did go to the dance and “I had a lot of fun”.  I went with Silvia.

Dec 20/70            Most of the girls dance with each other because all the boys were too stupid to ask us.  They sat around the tables smoking.  I kept looking at the door to see if Derrick would come because he told a guy he would meet him at the far end of the gymn – Jeanette overheard him.

I bought Jeanette her Christmas presents yesterday – bangle bracelets, a necklace, a lace slip and a 16 magazine.  I also bought myself a record by Bryan Hyland “Gypsy Woman”.  It’s my favorite song.  It’s so sad.  Ranee (the kook ) thought it was happy!

Dec 29/70  I had a wonderful Christmas.  I lost 4 pounds without even trying – I weight 113 now (if I haven’t gained it back).  I usually weigh 117.  I got a gorgeous necklace from my grandmother – its pewter and has a violet stone in it.  I also got a turquoise nightgown r=from her.  I got a beautiful Italian knit tam and scarf set from my mother – it’s a brown in colour.  Jeanette gave me a leopard print housecoat – it’s beautiful and an Elvis Presley record “You don’t have to say you love me”. Silvia gave me the Guess Who’s “Share the Land” record and Ranee gave me a 5 year diary.  I love everything but this diary presents a problem I have to discuss.  I plan to use it every day to write something important or funny or wise, even, and transfer these things to you.  Oh yes!  Silvia also gave the family a fruit cake.  Peter and Mum liked it most.

NOTE:  I did write the diary for the full 5 years but that, my friends, will not be transcribed.  And on this note – we end the Infamous Diary entries!  Time to do something else and I think I have my theme for October.  Look out!  Oh, and I was rather surprised that I started talking about my weight since I don’t recall every being worried about it until I hit menopause.  But I suppose females do think about it once in a while, especially when the peer pressure comes into play when everyone talks about it at the lunch table. 

Graduation Dance – I suppose I must reveal that Yvette set me up with her boyfriend’s cousin George and I went steady with him from March to August of 1971 and he took me to Grad. I ended up wearing my Mom’s cream coloured pantsuit.  Only one other girl wore a pantsuit but mine was the nicer of the two.  Due to a necking party in the car I did not do the promenade with the other girls (I didn’t even know there would be one but it wasn’t anything I would have enjoyed anyway!) Before George I had a date with another fellow whose name slips my mind . . . oh yes Grant Dickson.  He took me to see Jane Eyre (yes, I used him for that one).  My bad.  I wasn’t always an angel or a Pollyanna I guess.  I was faithful with George but will admit that if Derrick had asked me out I would have dropped George like a hot potato!  Everyone knew it too (of my girlfriends).  J

Romeo and Juliet

Nov 7, 1970 – Dear Cassandra

You can see how very upset I was on Wednesday.  Shortly after I wrote that rant I went to see “Romeo and Juliet” at school.  It starred Len Whiting and Olivia Hussey.  I went with Jeanette, Silvia and Ranee.  Both George and Derrick were there.  I was very shaken when I heard someone call “Murray” and I knew he was there but when Silvia said “look” I almost died.  He was with a girl who Silvia, Ranee and Jeanette say is ugly – I didn’t see her but still it doesn’t help much.  Always later, when Ranee’s father was kind enough to drive us home Ranee got excited and shouted “There’s Derrick, there’s Derrick!”  He was driving a car and the girl was in it. I didn’t know what she was taking about until it was too late.  To make a long story sort I wept when I got to bed.  By the way – I did NOT cry during the movie – I laughed because everyone else was crying.

I am better now – my emotions aren’t working at all.  I feel I am getting a rest but I am afraid I’ve been going through a great deal of strain all week – I hope it doesn’t last much lo0nger.  I don’t like it one iota.

NOTE:  I am talking about the strain of my school schedule as well as the Derrick drama!

Dec 7, 1970

Today is my parents’ anniversary.  I have a B in biology and a C+ in English!  That’s a switch, isn’t it?!

Derrick has simply been ignoring me.  I sometimes get these urges to hit him and I have once – a real punch in the arm. It was dark at the theatre at school (Romeo & Juliet) – Irony!  (Note: I can't believe I did that!)

I’ve been driving with my instructor 3 times and once with my dad.  It’s exciting. I can feel that I am improving – thanks heavens. The first time I drove, the man (Jake) was so nervous he smoked all his cigarettes! 

I’ve written an article for the newspaper in intramural sports which should be handed in on Wednesday.  I went to a girls’ volleyball game and the Vikings losing to the Saracens.  I’m a Viking.  I’m going to join the intramural basketball team – maybe the Vikings will lose their position as number 2 to #4 (last)  Oh!  The other D teams are Spartans and Trojans.  Saracens are first place – Derrick and Otranee are on that team.  Shucks!  Christine Almdale is in my homeroom – all homerooms are on the same team. She knows I like Derrick and so does Yvette and Ann Clark.

I have always been doing something every weekend since school started.  I really can’t believe that it’s December!

My father says I can have a party in the new year.   Not this Friday but next Friday I’m going to the Christmas dance at school.  I think I’ll wear a black dress – I don’t know yet.  I don’t have any idea what to were for graduation next year (June) either.  Ranee’s wearing a sari and Silvia knows what dress she’s going to get.  I know who she likes too!  (NOT TO BE REVEALED).

Skipping Right Along

It’s almost time to wrap up the month with these next few entries from the diary so I am going to speed things along.  I do write a little bit about school, my marks (some good some awful).  I write a whole lot now about my girlfriends and who they liked but as they asked me not to tell I won’t.  J  I jump from loving David Selby to Derrick and back again so many times it makes my head spin.  I expect that is how women got the nickname “dizzy dame” from all their about turns!  I no longer write about Jocelyn since she went right out of my life after she dropped out of school (her choice not mine) and I become best friends with Silvia and Ranee.  Both of them didn’t think Derrick was cute at all but that did not stop me from having almost a 2 year crush on him.  Mind you I didn’t think their choices of crushes were so cute either so we evened each other out! 

·         I picked out baby names:

Rebecca Maureen, Jennifer Bridget, Katherine Scarlett, Charlotte Irena, David Quentin (of course), Robert Jason, Michael Paul, and Chad Peter.  The very next day I changed one of the names to William Chad.

·        I have trouble with Math but manage to pass the year.  I have an “epileptic fit” due to my science sludge test beaker stand breaking. 

·         I turn 17 in June.

·         I get my first summer job in the livestock office at Burns Foods and work the full 2 months – 8 weeks.  I learn to work on a comptometer (it was an old fashioned adding machine but I became a pro due to my dad showing me some cool shortcuts).  I freak out as I get honked at a lot going home.  I taped in my first paycheck ($65/week)

·         The infamous Lincoln ghost story:  Last night I had the most dreadful scare in ages.  I thought I was seeing ghosts (2 to be exact)!  It was Abraham Lincoln (the Abraham Lincoln) and a woman. It was the woman that scared me. It moved close and away. It was really awful.  When “she: went against the wall I ran to Jeanette’s room. My god, but I was shaking!  She came with me to my room and she saw them vaguely against the wall. I kept saying “You’re a ghost. You’re a ghost. Go way.” But it didn’t.  Then it was moving close and Nette and I ran out of the room.  My blanket got stuck and then I started screaming the dark. I went hysterical and laughed and cried at the same time.  My parents came down and tried to calm me down.  Finally I did.  I went to sleep finally – and in my room too!

·         I had my first date.  Erik Derby (formerly Derbinski) asked me on a double date with David Delf.  We went to the zoo and had a good day.  We had been good friends since Gr. 9.

·       There were a lot of funny episodes with guys during this summer which always had me being dramatic and thinking I was a kook.

Fast forward to Sept 13, 1970

We are back in school and full of troubles over my schedule.  It seems that I am lacking the credit of one grade 11 subject.  The principal has refused that I should take grade 11 American history plus my grade 12 subjects (History, English, Geography, Biology and Math).  So both myself and my dad are on a rampage. My dad’s lawyer Mr. Frank Kennedy happens to be the school trustee and he is looking into the matter.  I am thoroughly disgusted myself because the school has done everything possible to upset my future plans. My dad refuses to let me repeat grade 12 for one subject – even a million subjects. So if I haven’t a complete grade 12 by June 1971 I will be unceremoniously plopped into a world of failures, all because of a stupid book of rules and regulations. As if anyone was made (or rather everyone) to follow something made up by a bunch of doddering dodos. 

NOTE:  My mother ended up resolving this by having me take Grade 11 typing while keeping all my Grade 12 subjects so I was able to have all my courses to graduate. The clincher was that I had told her of another student who also was taking an extra subject and he wasn't being harassed to drop his course.  I don’t mention it in the diary at all!  Ungrateful daughter.

Shortly afterwards my writing becomes extremely Victorian sounding due to the overwhelming influence of reading “Jane Eyre” and shortly afterwards Charlotte Bronte’s biography by Winifred Gerin (“The Evolution of Genius” – in my opinion the definitive biography – I have read more than a dozen Bronte biographies and am somewhat of an authority on the Brontes).

Some Bad Poetry

How is it that we’re never free

And we aren’t like the bird or horse

Who roam about without any worry

Who have no complaints, or suffer remorse 

How is it that we’re always alone?

Even in subways, churches and schools

Our identity will never be fully known

Even if we follow every law, command and rule 

Even the mountains of writing we do

Will never give us the recognition we need

To be complete to both them and you

And make us like the animals, freed 

AND ANOTHER ONE: 

Sometimes I will sit and stare

And wish that I had golden hair

Or sometimes I’d like to be seen

As a beautiful and very wise queen

Maybe I see myself as a wonderful doctor

Or a wise man entering the golden door

Of course I know it couldn’t be true

But I think it’s fun to dream, don’t you? 

NOTE:  In the beginning I wrote my diary only on one side of the paper; on the other side I pasted in little wisdoms from the newspaper but sometimes I drew picture, wrote my own poetry or copied in favorite sayings or poems such as Elizabeth B. Browning’s “How Do I Love Thee?”.  Needless to say there are countless pictures of David Selby, Bobby Sherman and others scattered about (and some even on the main page – LOL )  J  J

Birthdays, School and the Big Reveal

Jan. 28, 1970  Dear Cassandra

Today is Charlotte’s birthday.  Nothing else happened except I wrote a history test.  Adieu.

January 30, 1970 Dear Cassandra

Today is my father’s birthday.  I bought the broom and the licorice and peanuts.  Everything was going alright until after supper. I said to Mummy “do you think I should buy the pants?”  When I explained to my father that I was invited to Liz Weber’s party he said I couldn’t go.  Its tomorrow night.   Ever since my party he has been asking “Have you been invited to a party?”  Now that I have he isn’t going to let me go.  Do you think it’s fair? 

Anyways I have exactly $7.00 left from the $10.00 that I got today.  I bought a 16 magazine.  They had some wonderful pictures of David.  He is an Aquarius (like my dad) and Aquarius were featured this month and he had the nicest picture.  I just love those beautiful eyes. They are blue and SO piercing! 
I have found out the name of the guy that I like at school.  It is Derrick.  But he has a girlfriend.  But last night I dreamed that I was getting married and not until the very end did I find out that it was to Derrick!  But I don’t want to marry him.  The awfullest (sic) part of the dream is that Cliff Hunt was in it  - again. Do you think I still like him?  But that it can’t be.  All I know is that I am crazy about David and I would cut up my heart for him if he asked me. Well m’amie Bonsoir!
NOTE:  Don’t you love all the drama of being in love with 3 guys who don’t know you even exist?  What teenage girls will say for dramatic effect (both in diaries and out loud) – but cut up my heart indeed! 
My father was so protective – he was a helicopter dad before the invention of the word.  The biggest terror of his life was to lose another child and his protectiveness really did become a problem for all of us kids as we got older.  I was always the one who had to “break ground” for the others and thankfully my mother finally had to step in and make Dad see reason. If it wasn’t for her I probably would never have gone on a date at all – but that didn’t happen until I turned 17 the summer before grade 12 started!  I'm still only 16 in these diary entries.

More Details about My Inner Life

Jan. 25, 1970   Dear Cassandra,

Tomorrow I am going to school.   I have something cute to say.  It happened about a month ago and had completely forgotten it. My father and I were taking about people.  He said that when you ask people what famous person they look like they will show their vanity and start thinking and then say someone.  To prove it he asked Jeanette – she hadn’t heard the discussion – and she said “I hope this isn’t a joke and you say “Lassie” (Lassie is a dog on TV).  I thought that was funny.

Friday as usual I watched “Here Come the Brides” and Jennifer West played Holly Houston as a guest star.  I just want to say that I love her voice. It’s, well I can’t explain it, sort of rough, squeaky and smooth all at once; if you know what I mean.

I believe my hair has grown about 4 inches.  I want to fix my hair different but it looks so natural they way I have it.  Oh well!

I am writing a book, I may have told you, where I put myself as Susan Lancer and it has the people in “Dark Shadows – 1897” except I didn’t specify that date, I prefer 1970 and the stars of “Laredo” and “Lancer” and a casual mention of “Here Come the Brides” characters.  I told Jeanette and made her promise not to tell and she did to my mother not 2 minutes later!

Now a matter of vague importance.  Jeanette and I have been arguing about this since the day we moved into the town house in Montreal.  PILLOWS!  You see we were going to sleep and only 2 of our pillows could be found (we each Jeanette and I have 2).  So I said “I’ll lend you my green one” and she said it was hers!  I swear to you and Messe’s grave (my cat) that pillow was mine and the blue one Jeanette’s.  I finally got tired of it and took the blue one.  But here’s my defence in the packing box was MY blanket, MY satin, blue pillow and my GREEN pillow (along with my other stuff).  Now HOW could her pillow have got in in MY packing box?  Anyways I am so positive it is mine because I slept on it in Winnipeg – Cormorant Bay – and as is my habit I often dream awake and at that time I was “in love” with Peter Brown and I would pretend the pillow was him and kiss it.  It’s true and oh never mind. It was mine. So there.

NOTE:  Oh dear, I was really hesitant to include that last “clincher” but . . . true to the diary (gulp, I am starting to regret that phrase, mantra or what will you).  J  The “book” turned out to be novelette sized and despite plagiarising all the TV characters the plot was pretty good for a juvenile story.  I stayed true to my original story writing as a kid; lots of ghosts, witches and other abnormal creatures.  Shortly after completing it I began several other non-ghostly stories which I eventually blended into what would become a family saga of several generations.  It was much more intense but still rather fanciful (female pirates were in the beginning) and led to my third novel which was a true historical novel set in the civil war era and passing into a western story.  Both novels are about 1,000 typed pages but were hand written first.  I find I can think better with hand writing.  Typing is too noisy and keyboarding is too neutral for me when it is fiction writing. 

Writings

January 23, 1970

I have not been to school all this week because I have had a sore throat.  (Did I really?)  I have seen

Dark Shadows then but it isn’t being shown today because of some difficulties. I have started an oil painting (it is the one in my bedroom today which I have always called “The Spanish Lady”.  It’s probably still my best painting despite having done dozens since then).  And it looks like it will turn out quite well.  That history test I spoke of was terrible. I may get it back on Monday but I’m not too anxious. I have written an English essay on Puppy Love and my father said it was excellent. I hope Mr. Kennedy thinks so. I think I should start my history essay as its due February 19, I believe. Next Friday is my father’s birthday and I am planning to get him a broom. It is the straw kind that I call witches’ brooms. He said he wanted one because it would be the best thing to brush the snow off of the car. I’m going to tie packages of 10 cent licorice and peanuts on it! It should make great fun! I am anxious for the $10 government money (baby bonus) that is sent to my mother because I am 16, to come because I will get it. I won’t be able to get any other money until it comes again.

 I haven’t had my allowance in ages and I’m going to ask my father for some tomorrow. The government money should come next week some time. I have to buy the witches broom and I want so much to get a new pair of shoes because my black suede are 3 years old and are quite worn. There is a whole (sic) in the big toe of the right one and in the baby toe on the left one. I have some hush puppies but they don’t look nice with most of my clothes and my Italians hurt my toes till they fester something fierce! 

Here’s a little joke. Yesterday Lotte and Erik were playing. Daddy came in and Lotte said “We’re playing polar bears”.

Daddy said “What kind are you?”

Erik said “just an ordinary black polar bear.”

Then Lotte says “Your nuts, I’m an ordinary yellow and green polar bear!”

 Even now I’m laughing. It’s so cute and funny. Erik is 8, Lotte is 3 January 28^th.  Well Bonjour.

NOTE:  Oh, the part about my shoes makes me think of poor people! I don’t remember having such trouble with my shoes but then it’s good to have a diary to jog those forgotten things. Most of the time I wasn’t very concerned about clothes (to the despair of my mother) or hair for that matter. To this day I wash my face, put on makeup if I go out but otherwise I seldom look in the mirror the rest of the day (who wants to see an unrecognizable old lady in the mirror?)  I must have been more conscious of things than I recall though! 

As for my story we’ll see if I get my mark back with anything other than a B.  As I think I’ve already mentioned Mr. Kennedy profiled us with our first work and we seldom budged from that grade. He was a lazy teacher I think and certainly he could be cruel. I don’t know if my classmates remember but we had a girl in our English class who had a baby the year before. I understand that she kept it (how brave of her and her parents to do that in that time).  I remember several times Mr. Kennedy making snide remarks to her (I don’t quite remember what he said but they were mean remarks).  I felt bad for Tess but didn’t do anything about it. I also recall Mr. Kennedy making remarks about “fags” which at first I understood to be cigarettes but then realized he was talking about homosexuals. Again, not nice but at that time people didn’t talk about those things openly. Veiled and therefore crueler, at least that is how I felt in a nebulous sort of way. [And in case anyone is wondering, no, I am not gay but it is rather surprising how often I have first been asked “why did you never marry” and later “do you think you are gay” . . . . this topic should be explored more in another month series!)

Dramatic Disaster

Tuesday January 13, 1970 – Dear Cassandra

Something terrible has happened.  Dark Shadows has been changed from 5:00 to 3:00.  This means I’ll only be able to see it every 6 days, as I get out early on Day 3.  I am quite upset to say the least. It simply makes me furious since I am addicted to it. I could just cry!  I’ll hardly know what is going on. But let’s change the subject.

Heidi Harris and I have made up. I am so glad because you see we just MIGHT be moving back to Burlington! You see Burns may buy Fearmans and Dad will (probably) be made head and we will move. Isn’t that wonderful! And Heidi and I will be friends. And I’ll be closer to Ninette and I may be able to visit her and her me!

But I have to study history for a test tomorrow so Au Revoir.

NOTE:  Still obsessed with my spooky soap opera and still wanting to “go back to Ontario” despite now having friends and being “sociable”.  Burns did not end up buying Fearmans (a company Dad had worked for when we lived in Burlington, prior to him starting up his own company).

End of 1969

Thursday Dec. 25/69 – Dear Cassandra

Today is my cousin Axel’s birthday.  Last night we opened our Christmas presents. I got a LOVELY necklace from Birthe (my cousin), a record by Donovon from Otranee, a night gown and underpants from my grandmother, the “Mod Squad” ( a book) from Jeanette, skates from Dad (we opened them last Sunday) and a GROOVY sweater from Mummy. Thanks to all of them.  I also got a letter from Axel and Faster Jonna yesterday. Tomorrow at 6:30 I’m having a Christmas party. 3 kids are invited and myself (natch!) I just hope it works out O.K. I’ll see you later!

Wed. Dec. 31^st, 1969  Dear Cassandra

Today is the last day of 1969 and it has been a WONDERFUL year for me.

I guess I better tell you about my party.  Well 7 people came.  They all seemed to like it but I myself was bored. I guess I must of put on a pretty good act because they thought I was enjoying myself. Personally partys (sic) bore me and I was sort of pushed into giving this one. I like it better when I’m with a friend or Jeanette or just by myself.

I’ve gone skating twice and I’m really disappointed in myself. I used to be such a good skater and now – blah!  I hope I improve.

Now for my new year’s resolutions:

·         I’m going to try to do a lot of exercise

·         I’m going to try to save my money

·         I’m going to use my contact lenses

·         I’m going to be good and patient

·         I’m going to be more friendly and

·         I’m going to study a lot

I hope I can keep my resolutions.  This is the first time I’ve ever made any.

Last night I saw the world premiere of “Gidget Grows Up”. It was pretty good movie, a good plot, especially!

I don’t think I should make any real plans for the New Year. I think Ill just drift along with the time. We’ll see what happens. I don’t think there will be any drastic changes in my life though. We’ll see.

NOTE:  Birthe’s gift was my first piece of amber and since then amber has been my second favorite gem (after pearls which are my birthstone).  I simply adore amber and even though Poland is supposed to be the best place for amber and have the best kind I prefer the darker colours of the Danish amber, although I have some really beautiful pieces from Poland which I got in 2015 during my visit. 

Ranee was always trying to get me into more “modern” and “edgy” music instead of the more romantic songs like “Little Woman” by Bobby Sherman but it did take me a long time to get into the heavier (for me) rock.  I think it was in Grade 12 that I got my first Simon and Garfunkel album which I had until my mini class reunion here in Nanton in 2013 (?) – it accidentally got melted being outdoors where we were playing records.  I am still devastated. 

I was a big fan of Sally Field in her “Gidget” series and watched all the Gidget movies, with various actresses in the role.  Also loved her in “The Flying Nun”.  At this time my favorite shows were “Dark Shadows”, “The Mod Squad” and “Here Come the Brides” just in case you didn’t guess that from my crushes on David Selby and Bobby Sherman – I don’t talk much about Michael Cole who was more Nette’s favorite than mine.  She had a ton of posters of him on her bedroom wall.  I didn’t do posters.

 

My Bad

Dear Cassandra  Nov 21, 1969 – Today is Erik’s birthday, he is 8 years old.  

I

have a confession to make and I am much ashamed of it. I was putting Jeanette’s underwear away and I saw a letter from Cindy Harris. I don’t know why but I read it.  It is the first time I have ever read anybody else’s mail without permission. I feel terribly guilty.  I am appalled to say that Cindy shows signs of becoming as boy crazy as (her sister) Heidi. I certainly hope not.  Au Revoir.

Nov. 30, 1969 – Dear Cassandra,

I told Jeanette about reading Cindy’s letter and she didn’t get mad.

Well it’s the end of November.  But it’s getting closer to Christmas. Which reminds me Jeanette and I went Christmas shopping last Monday.  I bought Jeanette a wallet that she had admired earlier, Ole a book called “Ironside” from a T.V. program, Peter and Erik a truck and jeep (vice versa), Daddy a new Tarzan book – no. 23. Charlotte a dish set (I also bought her one for her first birthday and Mummy bought her a set last Christmas – both are distributed around the house and Mummy a bottle of rose cologne.  I hope they all like what I bought.

I would like to say something of relative importance to my life. On January 8^th, 1968 I had my first period. You may think it’s silly but that’s when you start to grow up. I am having my period right now. I was worried that I got it so late. I wrote to Ninette about it. I should get a reply on Monday or Tuesday. Her birthday is on Thursday. My mother says I shouldn’t buy her anything so I’m going to try and let my dad phone her at his factory next Sunday. I think he’ll let me. I hope so. It would be nice to talk to her again.

Jocelyn has quit school but I’ll still be seeing her around. She may come to my house next Saturday.

I have become quite sociable of late and I am happier than I have been for two years, since we moved from Burlington. I am quite upset because last night I again dreamed of Clifford Hunt. It has me quite worried. I should also say I have become quite cool towards my “romance” with Tom and Walter. I suppose I am silly but at present I am not in love with anyone though I am still fond of David Selby and Bobby Sherman. I feel guilty that I wish I could marry David because he is married and has a new son. Can a person really help it though? Well, I leave you with that question. Good night.

NOTE:  I had quite the little conscience, didn’t I?  So I did write a little something about menstruation after all but not the low drama that I gave it an earlier notation.  I seem to go up and down in my love stories, now I like them, now I don’t. Now I can take them, now I can’t.  Curiously I do not write anything critical, curious or anything about Jocelyn dropping out of school which kind of seems odd but again, the diary is about me and not my friends at this point in time.  True analysis of the outside world really doesn’t come to me until after I finish school . . . but that’s a long way off at 16.

Doings and Annoyances

Nov 8, 1969 – On Friday is Peter’s birthday and I am at wits end trying to find out what to get him.  A week after that it is Erik’s birthday.  Heavens to Betsy!  What to get the 2 rascals!?!  Next Saturday Jeanette, Jocelyn and I may go to see “Madwoman of Chailot.”  Kathryn Hepburn may bet another Oscar for that one.  I haven’t anything else to say. So Adieu! 

November 14, 1969 – Today is Peter’s birthday.  Tomorrow Jeanette, Peter, Erik and I will go to see Darby O’Gill and the Little People”.  I hope it is good.

Today I went to the public library to get out some books and I went into a panic when I saw Tom.  I got out of there as fast as I could and the terrible thing is I don’t know why.  Oh Cassandra!  I am so confused.  If only I knew my own mind.

Don’t you think it would be the most fun to b Queen of a country.  A rich country.  I would have all my friends as my ladies and I should be so happy snubbing people I dislike.  I have been reading a book “Victoria”.  It is the life of Queen Victoria from her assession (sic) to the throne.  Right now she is about to fall in love with Prince Albert.  Yes. I t would be fun to be Queen.  I leave you know (sic), my dear friend.

Nov. 15, 1969 – Today my nerves are completely shot, thanks to Charlotte.  You see, I stayed home while Jeanette, Ole, Peter and Erik went to see the show.  So I had to babysit with Charlotte.

Today is my dear Faster Jonna’s birthday. I hope she has a happy day.

In exactly one minute it will be 2:45 and the kids will be going in to see the show.  They missed the first show. My father is yelling at Charlotte now.  She has been so restless and annoying today. It is 3:45.

I am loaded down with homework and I fear I’ll never get it done. I keep putting it off. Well, I’ll do it tomorrow for positive sure. That’s an expression I’ve started using. It’s my invention “positive sure”!

You know, I think I’ve become much more sociable than I used to be. I would love to have a Christmas party and my parents would let me but I don’t know any boys very well and so it wouldn’t be fun. But there’s always my birthday.  There’s always next year.  Well, my confidant, that is all I have to say for now.  Adieu.

NOTE:  You can see that I was a bit of a hovering sister but now a trend is starting where I end up missing out on a number of things because the babysitting started to get heavy duty.  So far I don’t seem to resentful of it, at least in the diary.

Personality Analysis

Here we go on my subjective / objective look at myself at 16, from that teenager’s perspective:

November 2, 1969 – Dear Cassandra

Today I’m going to tell you my freaks and oddities, hopes and fears, hates and loves.

I’ve been called all sorts of names, Dandelion, Pancake, Snow, Bookworm, Smiley and Spider legs.  Of course, Pigtails because I used to always wear them, Cliff hunt gave me that one and it kinda stuck with my Burlington friends.  My favorite was Big Susan because Susan Rolston was Little Susan and she still calls me that.  (NOTE:  My Grade 6 teacher, Mr. Axon, was very amused to see Little Susan’s Valentine’s Day card on my desk with “Big Susan” written across the envelope).

I guess most people think I’m queer because I read so much.  Yesterday I bought “Far from the Madding Crowd” at Eaton’s.  In 3 weeks Jeanette and I are going, by ourselves to buy Christmas Presents.

I have three favorite months, in order; June, because it’s my birthday month and we get out of school; December because its Christmas and we have holidays; and November because that’s when all the fun starts, you know most of the school kids and clown around, ambitions are fired, Christmas is near and snow comes.  I love beef, especially roast beef and steak. I love candy (natch!)  I love T.V.  I love swimming, skating, scrub and badminton.  I love reading and baking.   I hate snobs, snakes and Cream of Wheat (yuck!)

My phobia is that I will die at night.  Sometimes I can’t sleep for fear of dying. My pet fear is snakes, as you may have noticed.  After Jeanette stuck a dead one in my face and I fell off the patio and nearly killed myself I stay as far away from them as possible.

My hope is that I will get everybody something lovely for Christmas and that I will keep my New Year’s Resolutions.

Au Revoir m’amie.

NOTE:  Actually kind of a sweet list, if a little funny.

Fickle Girl

Oct 16, 1969 – Dear Cassandra

Well I got kicked out of history yesterday and Walter didn’t and I don’t really care. I was surprised that I didn’t feel disappointed but I didn’t and I still don’t. I think I have gone fickle. I haven’t joined the drama club yet and I’m not going to. I guess I’m revolting. Against what? I don’t know. Maybe against myself. I better go before I mix you up anymore. Bonjoir Cassandra.

NOTE: I meant moved out of the class to another class, not “kicked out” in a bad way

Oct 22, 1969  Dear Cassandra

Nothing very important has happened today, but here are some trivial matters; yesterday Mother threw away Jeanette’s rag doll, if you can call it that. I noticed it in the garbage bag when I was doing the dishes.  Jocelyn, one of my girlfriends is thinking of quitting school again. I saw Walter and Tom today, they were the same as usual.  Tomorrow Erik goes to the hospital to get his tonsils taken out. Lately I have been feeling sick, I think it’s my appendix. I am ashamed to tell you that in this house I have dreamed twice of Cliff Hunt -  my sister’s boyfriend [NOTE: they were penpals as Cliff was still in Burlington and we had of course moved away 2 ½ years ago but he had given her a “go steady” ring so of course we considered him her boyfriend].  When I wake up I panic and think I’m in love with him but Ann Landers says you have no control over your dreams. I hope not!  Once when we lived in Southdale, that’s in St. Boniface, I dreamed of him too.  Don’t think I care about him because I don’t. Every time I see David Selby it kind of hurts inside and I don’t know why. Oh, what is going to happen to me!

NOTE:  There is a lot more of this teenage angst so I think I will move things along a little bit.  I write about my nightly prayers (which I continued for almost 15 years before I had a crisis in faith); Jocelyn was a somewhat wobbly friend but I stayed loyal to her even when John said he thought Jocelyn was making a sucker out of me (wise boy of 13); airy fairy dreams of different jobs I wanted to have – writer, interior decorator, actress (only for the fun of it) but rarely a doctor except to please Dad; sometimes shy, sometimes bold about my “talents”; pleasures of various books I read – being enthralled with Queen Victoria and lots and lots about the boys in school!