Anxiety Attack

I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, as though I had had a scary dream.  I couldn’t remember what it was but since then I’ve spent an anxious night wondering about it and trying desperately to get back to sleep.  Restless nights are not fun.  Listening to the clock ticking away, wondering “what time is it now”.  Tossing and turning.  Trying to count sheep.  Think about something nice.  Don’t think about the clock.  What woke me up?

I am not feeling fresh as a daisy this morning, anything but, and now I have to drive through our snow storm to get to work.  Oh joy. 

So I am trying to think through the clutter in my mind to find a story this morning and nothing seems to be jumping out at me.  I was reviewing my “book” last night trying to find a story I could lift but nothing seemed appropriate. 

When I speak with my mother about my retirement and my hope to retire “early” she keeps warning me that I will be bored.  I am not listening to my mother.  Or am I?  I know I am dragging my heels about setting a date using the excuse of “not enough money”.  My mother thinks I will miss my connection with the world.  But when you are awake in the middle of the night you are about as alone as you are ever going to be.  It’s just you and your mind there in the grey black of the night.  And trust me, there is enough going on in that noggin that I feel sure I am never going to be bored!

Aside from the obvious reasons for wishing to retire the biggest release for me is simply Freedom.  I would like to get up in the middle of the night, bad dream or not, and just feel free to enjoy the night without being anxious that I have to be refreshed in the morning to go to work.  Do you ever feel so bound down by your routine that you feel like a slave? 

Freedom 6/49 ah, a beautiful dream.