Hot Topic #1

If you’ve ever watched The View you know that the first 15 minutes of the show is dedicated to hot topics which the hostesses review in magazines and newspapers and then bring to the table for discussion. Jodi Picoult who is the author of such famous works as “My Sister’s Keeper” often picks a hot button topic for the theme of her books. So just to get away from my life, per se, for a while I thought I would do some hot topics. Naturally first thing in the morning, with my sunny disposition (read tongue-in-cheek), it’s not easy to find one that can get me going. Until, that is, I think about cellphones.

Yes, cellphones can drive me around the bend. Be it the regular cellphone or a blackberry or other version thereof. Don’t get me wrong, they have their place which is preferably in a sinkhole in Africa. Yesterday afternoon as I was leaving work I got off the main elevator and proceeded to walk over to the parkade elevators but I was obstructed by a short nincompoop of a man who was planted in the middle of the hallway fixated on his blackberry. I walked around him, proceeded to the elevators which was still some distance away from the nutbar and got into the elevator which was miraculous just opening its doors. I waited for the doors to close and just as they were halfway closed the nincompoop comes strolling in, still fixated on the blackberry, and proceeds to get his head knocked out by the elevator doors. He muttered some excuse about the doors and I simply looked at him as though he was a man from outer space. Moron, I thought.

I saw he pressed P1 and I had parked in P2 so the next thing that flashed through my mind was “This nutcase is going to drive out of the parkade while still staring at his blackberry so I better be careful because he could end up hitting me.” I therefore walked slowly to my car, slowly buckled my seatbelt on and then carefully checked my mirrors, turned on the radio to the traffic station and hoped to goodness the fool was gone. Yes, my procrastination had saved me an encounter with a DISTRACTED DRIVER.

Supposedly they are going to start fining people in SEPTEMBER for being a distracted driver. Seriously? September? Are you kidding me? This pedestrian knocked his head against the elevator doors – and when I say he knocked his head against the door, I mean he was literally jolted and bounced around between the doors and then staggered into the elevator – you are going to tell me that this idiot is safe to drive? He was still grasping the stupid blackberry and staring at it even as he muttered to me his excuses. Moron. Nincompoop. Idiot. Those are nice words for this fool. The problem is that he IS NOT ALONE. There are thousands of them out there, just waiting to get me. I’ve mentioned before that when I was riding the commuter bus I used to look out the window and count how many were on cellphones as we drove down McLeod Trail. I would estimate between 20 and 25 percent of the vehicles had the driver on a cellphone. There weren’t as many actually texting, that I could see, but there was at least one or two EVERY DAY that I would observe on the drive home.

Now you can see from the foregoing that I have a real problem with cellphones. Just let me ask you one simple question. What is so important? In 1995 when the mobile phones were still big clunky things did people have them stuck to their ears as they drove along? Rarely. Prior to the invention, how did the morons cope? Seriously, I’d like to know. Were they masturbating in the cars to keep their hands busy? Did they sing along to Cyndi Lauper to keep their lips moving? Did they concentrate on their memories to remember what the hell they needed to bring home to the little wife? Or did they just drive along on their merry way and think “who can I kill today” as they swerved directly into oncoming traffic?

And I thought I didn’t have anything to say this morning. Haah.