Celebrate Friends

A final note on friendship – celebrate your friendships and relationships regularly.  I have at least one GalPal BBQ every summer and since my retirement I have had coffee, brunch and lunch dates frequently.  As I have written many times before with respect to keeping in touch once you have retired, always put the onus on yourself even if you feel hard done by that you are always the one making the call.  It is so important to have social contacts, for pleasure, not for “networking”.

I have been so very fortunate to find that since my diagnosis my friends have put the shoe on the other foot and frequently they are the ones calling me.   How nice is that?  When you experience the pleasure of those phone calls or emails, remember to pay them forward to someone else in your life that you value.

So what is next . . . I am thinking about a Garden Party.  I can see Downton Abbey, sunbonnets and sun shades written all over this one.

My cup runneth over, may yours’ also.

What a Friend Does

I have written about quite a number of friends who have been with me for many stages of my life.  I feel very blessed to have been able to retain so many people in my life and I am happy to say that I have only had positive feedback from them when they have been “profiled”.  They are by no means the only people in my life but those I wrote about seemed to have a special purpose so if you were not mentioned specifically, do not worry, you are in my heart still.

In today’s environment of divisiveness maintaining relationships could be more stressful than ever before.  For those of us who have reached the Age of Maturity this may not be quite the challenge of younger folks but if we have a brain, have an opinion and are not shy to speak up it can be very easy to injure someone even unintentionally.  Being a friend is to know that person well enough to know their sensitivities and so it is well to tread carefully with the words we use or the opinions we share.  In other words, tact is very important in a friendship.

Does being tactful or evasive mean one is insincere or hypocritical?  I think not.  If one values a relationship one knows when to keep mouth firmly closed on certain topics.  For instance, it is never a very good idea to criticize a friend’s child or her child rearing habits.  My sisters may forgive me but even my best friend would not appreciate it very much.

What I have noticed with my friendships is that to be a good listener (or sounding board) is one of the most valued qualities a person can bring to a friendship.  I have always enjoyed listening to people.  I used to joke that I knew the inner secrets of every bus driver I ever drove with.  Even at the tender age of 14 I had that sort of face that seemed to tell a driver “speak to me, I am here to listen”.   I learned a lot about marriages, raising children and work issues that most girls would have run away from!  Fortunately for me I never had a bad experience with a driver (i.e., even when we were alone on the bus I was never accosted in an inappropriate way) and so wherever I go I am happy to lend an ear.

There are plenty of other things that make for good friendships; empathy, common interests and good humour being at the top of the list but being a good listener that is the greatest quality of all.  In my humble opinion.

Call someone you like today and have a good listen!

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support;

to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.  

— Unknown

Classmates, Reunions and Facebook

I have written about long-time friends and friendships which I know will last forever.  There are other friends who come into our lives, linger, pass out of them, and then can return again with even more meaning.

An ongoing experience for me has been connecting and reconnecting with my high school classmates through our first (25^th) reunion.  Since then we have had a reunion every 5 years and in a couple of years we will be having our 50^th reunion.  The committee of Barb, Liz, Michelle, Del, Lawrence and Marj (and me being honourary now) have been strong in keeping the reunions going.  I should make a note here to say that Manitoba / Winnipeg is not known for having reunions, unlike other places in the country.  Our class has been very special in having the original 25^th and then keeping them going.  We are the envy of other classes and schools. 

Del and I were friends in high school but Barb and Liz I only knew from our being in the same small locker room.  We would have little chats but we were not hanging out kind of friends.  I didn’t know Michelle at all except through the hallways.  Today we are friends not just because of the committee but because we genuinely like each other.  Liz in particular has become a really good friend who I appreciate as a warm and loving spirit.  I admire Barb for her tremendous energy and organizing skills but she too is a really warm and loving person.  I love Michelle’s constant Facebook posts of her Mom and her sisters and her travel insights.  Del and his wife have been wonderful supports in my illness and I was truly touched by Del’s phone calls to me in the hospital. 

Beyond the committee I just feel so happy that Facebook’s original intent of keeping classmates connected has worked out for us.  I enjoy seeing so many of my classmates share experiences, support each other with a like, a comment and a share.  I have “friend envy” sometimes.  And lots of times I wish I were in Winnipeg so that I could develop stronger relationships with classmates.  I guess that is part of getting older and longing for our youth, for missed possibilities.  But Facebook – there is a really positive side to this social media.

Friendships can develop online just like old fashioned pen pals.  Aren’t we the lucky ones, Classmates?

A Lost Classmate

 At the high school reunions I met a classmate who technically never went to school with me.  Willi and I enjoyed each other at the various reunions but even though we worked in Calgary, downtown and at one point even in the same building we did not have the time to connect beyond the reunions until we had a small mini reunion at my place.  We spent quite a lot of time together over that weekend and we discovered how much we had in common.  We were both immigrant kids; she came to Canada from Holland at the age of 3, I a year later.  We had a particular love of precise English, we loved Scrabble, we were watching Coronation Street (me as a newbie but she over decades) and we were both about to retire from the oil industry.

As we found our freedom we also enjoyed patio lunches or brunches, went on hikes together and simply enjoyed each other’s company.  She also fell in love with my Mom (as many of my friends do) and pretty much adopted her.  Mom had a special affection for Willi as well.

Sadly our friendship ended abruptly with Willi’s sudden bout of cancer and quick death.  I was stunned to return from Phoenix last year to read on Facebook that there was going to be a Celebration of Life for Willi.  I hadn’t even known she was ill before she was gone.

People can come into our lives for brief periods of time but that time can make a profound impact.  In the case of Willi, not only did she bring insight and appreciation to the immigrant experience but her decision to choose a quick death has affected me in the deepest possible way.  Even strong and courageous people can surrender and say “this is too much”.

Rest in Peace Willi. 

A Young Friend

Erik is someone that I have known since 2004 when we began working on my first big project as the Project Administrator.  Erik was an engineer in training at the time who was full of enthusiasm for the project.  In the beginning he was stationed directly in front of my office space and I would listen to him talking with another young man who was equally enthusiastic.  I used to smile at their conversation but I enjoyed them immensely.  It wasn’t long before I got some additional amusement as I observed Erik’s huge appetite by way of his lunch bag which (no word of a lie) was a giant grocery bag.  He never gained an ounce which amazed me considering how much he devoured!

Erik and I soon discovered mutual interests since he was half Danish.  When we got the chance we would go for lunch time walks and talk about family, work and Denmark.  Erik had a fine instinct for ethics and I soon found we had a similar way of thinking by way of moral code.  What can I say, I took a profound liking to this young man and had a motherly sympathy for him.  Both of us had a mutual friend and benefactor in a gentleman named Mark Brown so we were very happy to work together on our next big project.

When Erik met his future wife no one could have been happier than I and I was honoured to be asked to his wedding.  Two young children quickly followed; Erik moved on to other projects but we would hook up for a noon walk once in a while.  Retirement happened and my connection lapsed – mea culpa – my fault, not Erik’s.  Recently we connected again and I resolved to not be the one to break the link again. 

I write about Erik not only because I do consider him a friend of long standing but also to show that sometimes even the biggest proponent of friendship can make a slip (that would be me).  One should remember that “it’s not all about me”, others are equally sensitive to the fact that they may be the one who does all of the calling and keeping in touch.

Let that be a lesson – to me.

Illness Brings Friends Closer

We come to the time when my illness shook my world.  If I was shocked by the sudden diagnosis of a terminal illness the response of my friends and colleagues was nearly as huge.  As many said to me “I never would have dreamed this could happen to you” or “you were the last person I would ever have thought this could happen to” and so on.  There is a Danish saying that Mom uses often “it’s never so bad that it isn’t good for something” and so it has been with this illness.

Friends and colleagues who may have slowly drifted away after my retirement have come back to me with moral support, empathy, wisdom and friendship.  One such person is Gale who has had her own fight with cancer.  Gale’s experience caused her to become very involved in cancer programs but it also led her to be an empathetic colleague to those who eventually went through the illness (and in a company numbering over 500 at its peak the odds were that some would be diagnosed).  Gale was there for Vreni from beginning to end and beyond.  She has been there for me from the moment she learned about my diagnosis.  I burst into tears at the hospital when she told me she was doing the cancer walk in my name last summer. 

Cancer is a frightening word and possibly the most powerful word in any language.  But this word is also one that brings out the best in people.  I have experienced firsthand how people’s Empathy-Meter swings to 10 the moment they learn one is diagnosed.  But for some who are diagnosed they take their empathy to the next level.  They Pay It Forward – and Gale is one of those people who pays it forward, giving out empathy, wisdom and strength with a generosity of spirit that is hard to match.

I feel very lucky that she has taken me under her wing.

My Hero Vreni

When NAOSC was taken over by Statoil one of our first town hall meetings allowed me to meet my eventual hero, Vreni Schmidt.  Vreni was an outgoing personality so once I was back in the home office our paths crossed often.  Eventually Vreni joined our Friday coffee sessions and I got to know her even better than when she flew by my office, stopping to give me her Avon catalogue, taking time for a quick chat and then she was off again.  Vreni taught me how to over-winter my geraniums and each spring we would discuss our success rate.  We had a mutual love of gardening and flowers.

Vreni had the energy of the Ever Ready Rabbit; she was on the go all the time.  She was in 2 dance troupes, she skied, she travelled, she worked as a manicurist and pedicurist as well as selling more Avon than one could possibly imagine.  She was always cheerful and ready for anything.  It was Vreni who organized our wonderful hiking trip in Canmore.  Shortly afterwards Vreni was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She was amazing through it all, simply unstoppable. Despite being on chemotherapy she was dancing at the Stampede events and creating awe in all her colleagues.  Already at that time I called her my hero since I had never seen such an indomitable spirit in true live action. 

She finished her treatments and almost immediately afterwards she was diagnosed with colon cancer.  The timing coincided with my retirement and since she was on long term disability we were at liberty to meet up almost every second week for brunch and a catch up.  You know you are friends when your conversation touches on everything but our former work.  This was what happened with Vreni and I.  Gardening, travel, food, fashion and life experiences were topics we covered with relish.

Once again Vreni inspired awe and admiration in all who watched her go through this horrible journey.  When I was diagnosed with the same illness she came to me and said “we are buddies now” and she volunteered to get me through it all, answering my questions and concerns in a way no doctor could ever do.   Here was someone who was going through the same thing, who had essentially pioneered the way for me.  Whenever I feel down I think about Vreni and compare myself with her.  I always feel that I come up short because I have so much admiration for her fighting spirit.  It wasn’t that Vreni talked about her fight, quite the contrary, she ignored it.  She lived her life to the full extent that was humanly possible, illness or no illness.  I don’t think Tarzan could have done a better job of living than Vreni.

Wise Colleagues

When I speak of high work ethics, integrity and skill sets there are many other colleagues who have my admiration and respect.  Deborah is another one of those friendships that have grown from our mutual work experience and has become a solid relationship outside of work.

We first met when I transferred out of Projects and into Operations.  I landed on the same floor only a few offices from Deb.  We had mutual work relations due to our bosses’ portfolios and it wasn’t long before I saw her dedication and professionalism.  She kindly invited me to join her fold of lunch girls, one of whom I worked closely with, Palo.  So Deb, Palo, Natalya and I would occasionally have lunch or coffee together.  Slowly our friendship developed since we were both busy ladies and socializing had to take a back seat for many a long day.

As things evolved another good colleague organized a hiking trip to Canmore and we had so much fun that we decided to do it again the following year.  Then the unimaginable happened.  Deborah’s beloved husband passed away in a terrible accident the day before our hike and Deb had to call me to let me know the sad news so that I could pass on the information to the other ladies.  Such a terrible way to discover how much Deb and I cared about each other.  Deb and her husband Randal had been to my 60^th birthday party and Randal was someone that Mom connected with in a remarkable way.  Mom is rather conservative and doesn’t give out friendship easily but for some reason she very much connected with Randal so she was as devastated by his passing as I was.

It was very shortly after this that I retired and it is incredible to say but Deborah’s and my friendship has grown stronger since my retirement.  She is the glue that brings so many of our colleagues together for potluck BBQs at her place.  Deb and I talked often on the phone and her travels to my home were numerous even before my illness.  She retired a little later than I but we are both loving our freedom. 

Deb has a wonderful, dry sense of humour and she also has a sweet daughter who I have come to enjoy also.  And she has a little grandchild that I am longing to see out here on the farm with the chickens.  It will be something else, I am guessing.

My Polish-Norwegian Expat

While Jane’s friendship with me was a while away another friend came along from a most unexpected angle.  North American Oil Sands Corp was bought out by Statoil, the Norwegian oil company.

I had my first (and only) experience of being bought out by a foreign company and all that it implied.  We became inundated with what is termed ‘expats’ but my first encounters were very positive.  I had organized a team building event and a new lady came into play.  Her name is Barbara and we went out after lunch for some fresh air before going back to the afternoon session.  We took a walk along Prince’s Island and I cannot tell you had quickly we connected not only as very empathetic colleagues but we valued our insights into the company, Norwegians and Canadians and it did not take long to become friends.

Barbara was interesting and fascinating from the get-go.  This was a lady who came to Norway via Poland as a sort of refugee (a dramatic story but hers to tell).  Barbara has 3 engineering degrees and a work ethic like no other I have ever seen.  She came to Canada to work for one year to get our technical documentation into the Statoil way.  She stayed for 6 years and how glad I am that she was here for so long.  I learned a lot from her on the technical side of things but so much more on a social, personal, and fun side.

We met in 2007 and have been friends ever since.  We have a love of fashion, of travel, of gardening, of books (although we read very different books most of the time) and we also have a love/hate relationship with Norwegians!  Well, let’s put it this way, we are ambivalent about our feelings.  Diplomacy for you.

Barbara is what I would definitely describe as a fashion shopaholic and I never knew how much so until we went travelling together.  In Norway people do not dress up for work but Statoil very quickly inculcated their expats to understand that the corporate culture in downtown Calgary was upscale and Barbara dived into that with true enthusiasm.  She loved the new clothes, she loved bargain and price shopping since Norway is one of the most expensive places in the world for clothes.  She marvelled at my transformation after my NYC trip but amazingly we have never travelled there together.

Instead we ventured off first to San Francisco, then Hawaii and then an amazing trip for me to Poland.  She is a lovely travelling companion, flexible and relaxed but even when we decided in Hawaii it would be “fun and no shopping” it turned out we were stationed very close to one of the best shopping malls in Honolulu.  We were there at least once a day and boy did we have fun!  My suitcases were crammed with bargains of designer clothes (and here I am dissing out Barb for her shopaholic ways when I was just as bad!) 

Barbara and I connect over other things besides fashion and shopping though.  We enjoy each other’s company, philosophy and experiences.  I believe we have a mutual respect for our work ethic and our integrity in all things.  And we can laugh together.

One of the most diverse and intelligent people I know.  I miss her so much now that she is in Europe and I am stuck in a non-travel zone!

How Empathy Comes Into Play

As you can see the last 15 years of my working life have brought me many friendships.  When I started out looking for deeper relationships I never dreamt how truly blessed my search would be.  The next lady who has come into my life and my heart is my darling Cristy. 

It began with a person very unlikely – my one really bad relationship that I have had in my working career.  It has been no secret within the company that this was a person I could really not stand for several reasons but one of the biggest reasons was her treatment of Cristy.  This lady probably never saw her shortcomings but it was immediate from the very beginning to me.  I was outraged, and I mean outraged.  She bogged Cristy down with all her own work and did nothing to mentor her or to bring her into the social fold at work - she was practically treated like a slave.   If there is one thing in this world I absolutely cannot tolerate it is bullying in any of its forms and in no time at all I was championing Cristy. 

It wasn’t difficult as Cristy is such a sweet, patient and tolerant person.  I have the highest respect for Cristy’s work ethic – only one other person tops that ethic and she is next on my list but I give Cristy all due.  She works extraordinarily hard, is meticulous in her work and above all keeps to herself and avoids drama and conflict.  And yet she is wise, practical and I have discovered pragmatic too. 

 

On a personal level Cristy is quite a different person as she is very much the matriarch in her family which rather surprised me at first.  But happily so as she has a really sterling family of children and a husband I truly like.

Cristy is Filipino and brings me more cultural diversity to add to the down to earth and loving friendship that we have created.  Cristy also brings spirituality into my life which I need more than ever in this time of doubt.  When I stepped up to help Cristy into the social and mentoring sphere at work I had no idea how enriching she would be to me. 

Once again I am blessed and my cup runneth over with this truly loving relationship.

 

 

 

 

New York, New York

Moving along the career path I had the great karma of being head hunted by my wonderful engineers at Nordic / Acres / Hatch.  Merv first called me a few months before my project was winding down and suggested I might want to go on to the one he was managing.  I told him I was very interested in the new job but I felt obliged to close out the project first.  He respected my wishes and called me a couple of months later.  The next thing I knew I was in a life changing experience at a brand new venture called North American Oil Sands Corp.  I will be forever grateful to Merv and Mark Brown for respecting my skill sets so highly that they were willing to wait for me to come on board.

And then another terrific thing happened, my HR on-boarder was Jane.  We liked each other from the first but my role took me offsite to the engineering company and it was two years before Jane and I truly reconnected.  We worked on a number of things in between though with office supplies and catering but it wasn’t until I got back to the home office that we started to see more of each other in part due to the fact that we were on the same floor.  And then one day she sent out a note to some of us ladies about a shopping / styling spree to NYC.  I had already made plans to travel to Ecuador in a few months but I was intrigued.  I went down to Jane’s office and we talked; she convinced me that this would be a fun trip and oh my goodness, not only was it fun, it was life altering in more than one way!

She introduced me to Kelly who raised her eyebrows when I conservatively estimated that I could spend $500 on clothes in NYC.  Well, I went wild some $2,000 later.  I came back a changed woman in a very good way with so many compliments on my new look and style that I have never got over it!

But over and above that fun experience Jane and I bonded.  It was the real start of a beautiful friendship.  We had a lot of things in common in our perspective of society and politics.  Later we discovered that we had a common trait in profiling; we are what HR profilers call ‘believers’.  We believe that because we do our work in great fashion we should be recognized without blowing our own horn.  Oops, are we ever wrong about that!

Jane is a real fun factor in my life.  She likes to get out there and do things and I love her great energy and love of nature.  She is the one that talked Blaine and I into our Drumheller road trip and I for one am up to another one this summer! 

Jane helps me let me hair down like no one else.  And oh, did I mention that she makes a great Sangria?

Mentoring Becomes Fostering

Shamsh recruited a lovely, shy young lady into her group by the name of Lin.  Lin has become a special treasure to me with her lovely heart, her incredible capacity for caring and her devotion to me (and what can be more endearing than that).

It started out of course as a work thing.  My own new assistant Marife bonded with Lin and Lin was amazed at how much Marife and I connected as a team (and later as friends).  Lin did not have the same relationship with Shamsh and so she watched the teamwork I had with Marife; she had "boss envy".  I noted the observation and it was not long before I had her under my wing and took care to include her in events to give her a sense of belonging.  Lin had at that time been in Canada (via China) for about 7 years and except for some Chinese friends she had only one other friend who was not Chinese. 

I first became her mentor but as time went on we became very good friends and later still I felt that I was like a foster mother to Lin.  I also made a great connection with her husband Sean.  My brother John worked closely with Lin for a while and the 4 of us get together often for lunch and great, great conversations.  I love hearing about China, their immigration experience and their life philosophies.  Something that would tickle me was how Lin would describe Sean as a banana and she as a mango.  He is yellow inside and out while she is yellow outside but white on the inside.  In other words, she has embrace Canadian life in a way that Sean has not.  I just think it is a funny and cute way of recognizing differences without disparagement (or so I see it anyway).

I believe that I am honest when I way that I don’t see people for their ethnicity (I don’t mean I am blind but just that these things don’t resonate with me when I meet people and certainly have zero meaning for me once the calling for friendship begins).  Lin is a particularly interesting person because she is very analytical not only in cultural ways but also deeply philosophical.  We have some terrific conversations and I have learned a lot from a lady who is 2 decades younger than I.  Lin is my first friend to be so much younger than I and I find that a true blessing because it does give me a lot of perspective on what is going on in the world outside my comfort zone.

Her husband Sean also brings an entirely different perspective to our friendship and I enjoy him a great deal.  It is funny to see Lin become territorial over me when she puts him in his place and says “she is my friend” and I remind her that there is enough of me to go around.

Another friend who gives me two for the price of one.

Work, Books and Culture

Moving along on the career path I began working with a very sharp cookie named Shamsh.  From the first day we met on our project we had a connection that started out respecting each other’s work talents but soon we were having morning coffee, oatmeal breakfasts and little chats since we were both early morning people and were at work “before the official clock” started.  I have always been one to be in early so that I can organize my time and work but for the first time I began having a little social time with a lovely colleague.

It wasn’t long before we made real inroads in our friendship.  I loved to hear her stories about her life in Kenya and how they emigrated to Canada.  I enjoyed hearing about her children and I empathized with her when her marriage took a turn for the worst.  Happily Shamsh also liked reading and soon I had invited her to join in the book club.

Shamsh was my first “visible” minority friend since Otranee back in high school although I had some acquaintances who were friends for a while they were those “friends for a season” people.  Now I was enjoying some cultural differences and identifying similarities while at the same time enjoying a friendship with humour and camraderie.  What I find interesting about Shamsh is that while she is a hard headed business woman she is also an extremely soft hearted person in relationships.  She is Pakistani by way of Kenya and has ways that to some people may seem a little abrupt but once you understand those cultural differences (which is easy enough for me to pass over) she is so sweet and loving and sensitive.

Once again, I am richer for having such a good and loving friend.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

I think that quote is from a Cary Grant movie which I cannot for the moment remember the title of.  Marsha came into my life through a mutual friend who brought her to our first book club meeting.  I was all gung-ho on our book “The Red Tent” and had a binder with notes and to be honest, I went very school-marmish and frightened Marsha away for some little time.  Too strict but that loosened up very quickly as I realized that the book club should be more social than “intellectual”.
Marsha came back after a few months and I give her credit for reaching out to me beyond the book club since she recognized so many points of interest and empathy.  Marsha has an incredible knack of speaking and questioning people without in any way being invasive or “nosy”.  She has a gift of bringing people out and letting them tell their stories by gentle questioning and I am amazed to this day  by how often (almost always) she discovers a common denominator in her relationship with people.  I have never seen it anyone to the extent that I see this in Marsha.  A true gift that connects her to people in a remarkable way.

Marsha also is a friend who had no worries about having ladies join in when her husband was around.  And Bob and I got off on the right foot when I drove up to their house while he was shovelling the driveway.  I asked if I could help him as I had a shovel in my trunk (and I like shovelling to be weirdly honest).  He almost fell over backwards and said Marsha would kill him if she saw me shovelling.  I laughed and went on to the book club meeting but Bob and I had created a bond. 

Marsha and I not only like books but we are also very fond of movies and we used to go quite often to a show.  When her old job ended and she found a new one it put a lot of demands on her time which has put a little dent in our meetings.  And she and Bob became grandparents rather late in life but they have been the joy of their lives.  So time is more precious to us when we are together.  Recently Bob passed away very suddenly from cancer which was a shock to all of us.  Such a lovely, lovely man and as I miss him I cannot imagine how hard this must be for Marsha who has taken it with her usual grace and an inner strength that reminds me of Melanie in "Gone with the Wind". 

A friend to treasure indeed.

And Now for the Book Club Gals

Now you have heard the book theme going through my friendships throughout this month but when I really began to look seriously at developing and keeping friendships for the long term I knew I had to find common denominators.  My darling sister Jeanette gave me the inspiration to start my own book club when she started her own.  Who would have thought she would be the first to do a book club given that she was not fond of books in her youth?  But her therapist had inspired her and she inspired me.  Forever grateful Nette as this has been one of my most treasured experiences, ventures and friendship circles.

Many gals have come and gone in the book club but the stalwarts have become remarkably strong in my life.  Sylvia, Marsha, Shamsh, Carol, Laura and Gillian to name my “life longers”.  But others are still there though somewhat distant of late, Marguerite and Christine.

Today I celebrate Sylvia who is another wise and wonderful woman.  Her insights into the books we read are invaluable and keep me thinking for days afterwards.  We also have a love of gardening and nature that binds us together.

Books brought us together but life keeps us REAL.  Our book discussions have frequently (almost always) led us into real life topics, our lives, philosophy and the dilemmas of solving world and simple problems.  Sylvia’s life is neither simple nor easy but she takes everything with amazing grace.  I think all of us ladies in the club feel honoured that she is able to share some of her trying circumstances and while we are all good listeners, me “Miss Fix It” will sometimes want to say a little too much.  Sylvia takes it all in stride and I feel certain she knows it comes from the heart and not out of sternness.  (Me, stern?  Oh my, have I ever been fooling my readers if they haven’t recognized some of my little foibles).

You will see a theme of “wisdom” coming out in my friendships.  As we get into our 50s and 60s we drop a lot of drama, a lot of nonsense and hopefully develop into the wise mentors and friends we were always meant to be.  Sylvia and Brenda have been 2 of those ladies for me – a slight bit older than I but with a treasury of wisdom far beyond those few years of age.  I value them highly.

FF Number Five

Brenda was our librarian and her “office” was a little hole in the wall cubbyhole which made her invisible to many.  But I soon discovered an amazing resource, a fount of knowledge not just on the legal side (which was considerable) but also – dare I say it – books!

Marie took it into her head that we should learn how to make wine since Paul was going for it in a big way.  Brenda was the first to say she would love to learn but I was not far behind.  We had lots of fun being the bottle washers, the labellers and so forth but we didn’t actually learn to make the wine on our own.  We understood all the premises though as Paul was terrific at explaining but the task fell to him.  We had the onerous job of drinking the wine though.  Ah.  J

Brenda has allergies and Marie has 5 cats and a dog so the Gal Pal Weekends in Blind Bay have never happened with Brenda.  However the 5 of us would have our birthday lunches and other lunches.  With Marie in Fort Mac the other 3 gals and I will brunch together and toast Marie.  Rose makes us sign (supposedly secretly but so obvious) the birthday cards for the one celebrating (Rose has a real gift for buying hilarious and appropriate cards).  Brenda and I have a real love of gardening and I absolutely adore her Zen garden.  Brenda also is a few years older than us so I cherish her knowledge on many topics, most especially her experience with religion and coping with life.

Brenda is probably the most gentle person I have ever met and one with a very generous heart.  She is insightful, genuine and a treasure.  I feel blessed to know her and call her a dear friend.

Drama in the Work Place

As you may have gathered from the last 2 entries, there was a “drama” with various women at Felesky Flynn.  Two long time assistants felt they owned the place and would sometimes take the low road in marginalizing, or at least attempting to marginalize, certain women.  Some folks stayed very neutral and naturally this was my instinct as well.  I dislike conflict of any kind but especially in the work place.  Hence Janet and I walking a lot back in the day.  We also had a couple, lawyer and wife, who made things extremely AWFUL.  
I hadn’t been long in the firm, only a few weeks, when this couple’s assistant went on sick leave (and later quit).  I had the unhappy experience of being asked to ‘pitch in’ but within 3 days I had to take a sick day because the woman made my life a living hell.  The next day I went to HR and said ‘please don’t assign me to them permanently’ and thankfully the answer was “I would never do that to you”.  Thank the lord.

But soon another young lady came into the office and had the unhappy misfortune to work for them.  Gillian was a darling from the very beginning.  I looked into her warm brown eyes, saw anxiety there and soon learned that not only was she just recovering from breast cancer but she had been out of the “serious” work force for some time.  To be thrown into this situation was the worst possible thing for Gill but amazingly she survived for more than 5 years!  I will never, ever forget our first “meeting” when she had to vent about what was going on.  There we were in the washroom and so scared to have Donna discover us that Gill was up on the toilet seat (in her shoes, not sitting down, just to be clear) while I stood in front of her and listened to her whispered troubles.  Could anything so absurd be anything but the beginning of a lifelong friendship?

Gillian is another “weekender” to Blind Bay, she was part of my book club (coming up soon) and she has been so amazingly wonderful in my egg business development.  On top of all that, she is one of my strongest supporters in my illness.  She emails me daily, encouraging me and advising me to forgive myself and not work so hard.  She is one of the true Mother Earths in my life.  I could not be more blessed and yet I still have more than 15 friendships to go.

It’s no joke, no word whisker, no motherhood statement.  My cup runneth over

A Rose by Any Other Name

Rose is another friend from my Felesky Flynn (FF) days.   I actually knew Rose before Marie as we were on the same floor and she was very helpful in teaching me technical formatting when my own assigned “buddy” was too busy to help.  She also helped steer me through some politics though Rose is generally a quiet and tactful person who doesn’t like getting involved.  So we had that in common right from the beginning.  Once Marie started getting us together we found we had a lot more things in common.  Rose and I love reading (this seems to be coming a theme, doesn’t it?) and I also found a lot of interest in her children and their reading.  Rose began giving me some books that took me in different directions which started me thinking about my new circle of developing friendships.  But more on that a little later.

Rose was also the person who brought to light an aspect of my personality that I had never recognized before.  Epiphany Moment.  She was talking about something in her own life and my “advice” to her was somewhat of a vengeful nature (I don’t recall that actual situation) and Rose observed “Do you know that when you react it is often I a revengeful way?”  I was stunned but as I say, it was an epiphany.  While I almost never actually go through with the vengeful act it is indeed my first reaction.  “You should do this, or say that” and it is not a nice method.  To say I was shocked AT MYSELF is an understatement.  I thank Rose for putting me wise to myself and I take care to keep that vengeful side in check.  Don’t get me wrong, I have seldom found that my first response is not “righteous wrath” with that Biblical vengefulness of the Old Testament salting me reaction but I NEVER act on it.  I happened to mention this enlightment to the gals at one of our weekends and Marie said “Rose keeps us humble” which I took to mean that Rose has not been shy to mention characteristics in other ladies.

 

I think that is a good thing as Rose doesn’t say it to be mean – she is observant and bides her time when she thinks it could be the right moment to let the wisdom fall.

Also I must add another humorous side to Rose.  On our very first road trip I happened to be chatting about toilet paper which I always stash in my car in case of an emergency “incident” and I used the phrase “all my mother’s daughters” have had to go in the ditch at some point.  Rose asked “why did you say it like that?” and I asked “say what?”  “ALL MY MOTHER’S DAUGHTERS?”  um, well, I don’t know, it just seemed like the thing to say.  Rose, who has 9 sisters, thought it was priceless and uses it often in her own family circle now. 

So hey, I can have some influence too.  Friendships are a circle, not one way streets.

An Awakening

Silvia had moved to Alberta but we both worked long hours.  Except for Blaine and Silvia I had no other  friends that I saw.  Correspondence with Ninette and Marj was as lively as ever but my social life was driven mostly around my family and the business for the next few years.  I took joy in my nieces and nephews.  Work took a few different directions over the next 12 years (1988 to 2000) which kept me on my toes.

Then with my father’s sudden death on New Year’s Eve of 2000 (going into 2001) I had a true wake up call on social life.  All Mom’s children were sitting with her in her house and while we were sad we were comforting her and she looked around at us “kids” and said “I am so glad I have my children”.  The way she said it and the way she looked sent an arrow into my heart.  I realized that for Mom, her children were her life.  And I got another realization, I had no children of my own.  It came upon me that as I got older I would be alone if I didn’t take some steps to gain new friends around me.

This sounds crazy, almost “mercenary” but I went on a mission to find friends in my new life in Calgary.  I had started working downtown the year before and had met several nice ladies that I got along with very well.  Some things happened and the next thing I knew I was working in a new law firm and shortly after that I went on a course with another lady.  Marie.  We bonded that day and I found a warm hearted, lovely person who went straight to my heart.  Marie took the first steps in creating the friendship but I was really thrilled to be included in her life.  She is the first person who invited me to her home and let me social WITH HER HUSBAND.  Until I met Marie I had no married friends except for Silvia and Ninette, my BBFs.  As single girls everywhere experience, once friends marry it isn’t long before we are ousted from the friendship fold.  But Marie is generous and has no fears that she will lose her man.

Marie steered me through the politics of the law firm and introduced me to Rose in a new light (coming up next).  She and Paul introduced me to wine making and later on when they bought their retirement home in Blind Bay she kindly took the “FF Gals” for what would become an annual Girls’ Getaway every May Long Weekend.  Currently the oil industry crisis, my illness and the other girls’ lives have halted the Get Away but we make up for it in Lunches, Lunches, and Brunches and Facebook with Marie to stay in the loop.

I know this is a friendship that will love forever and this little blip in logistics is just that, a blip that will soon be overcome.

My cup runneth over!